Things I probably don’t get to control about my book when it gets published

My debut novel, The Nameless Queen, comes out in 2018. These are some things I don’t control:
  • whether they pick the author photo that screams “professional smile” or the one where I wear a fake mustache and make a funny face
  • what the actual cover for real looks like (but I’ll get to see it first, mwahaha)
  • whether they include a byline under my author name on the cover that says “who may or may not be a ninja”
  • whether they include a byline under my author name on the cover that says “the founder of everything except the universe”
  • whether the font is standard black or if every letter is etched in gold filigree
  • whether the first page says “this page is super cool but also mostly blank—you should write your name on it or doodle”
  • how high the jenga tower of books is stacked in the loading/shipping room
  • whether your book will have what we call a “jenga dent” in it
  • whether there’s not one but two author photos, one labeled “super professional” and “less professional but funnier”
  • whether they make a movie out of it, and whether that movie is titled “the nameless queen” or “the movie that the author didn’t get to cast or star in because hollywood and film rights are far away and out of her control”
  • whether there’s a surprise page every few chapters that just says in bold letters in the center: “and then everyone died. the end.”
  • a follow-up page to the previous that says “jk, keep reading.”
  • whether I write the author’s note/acknowledgement normally, entirely in code, or in verse poetry
  • how high the mighty castle stands that is built with bricks of The Nameless Queen — gravity will be the ultimate judge of that, I think
  • whether or not my book can defy gravity
  • whether there will be a third author photo that’s just a picture of a velociraptor
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7 thoughts on “Things I probably don’t get to control about my book when it gets published

  1. Seriously though, some of these you should have control over. Because they’re epic and would be awesome. Who can resist a byline that says “who may or may not be a ninja”. I mean, come on!!!

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